Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Put The Pen Down And Step Away

The results of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest are in!  In case you aren't familiar with the annual award, the prize is given to the world's worst opening to an imaginary novel.  It was named after Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton who write the famous line "It was a dark and stormy night".

Are you ready for the awesomeness that is the 2011 winner?!?! 
drum roll please....

“Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.”
Sue Fondrie
Oshkosh, WI

Wow.  The imagery...the power...the visions of shredded, bloody birds! It takes my breath away....ummm..not so much in the "What a gorgeous sight!" sort of way but more in the "For the love of god, get me out of this car before I puke!" sort of way...

Trust me, you're gonna wanna check out the runner's up.

2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Some of my personal favorites:

Napoleon’s ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub.
John Doble
New York City

Veronica, two months pregnant and attempting to get her boyfriend to notice, and Ricky, who wanted to end things with his expansive girlfriend, sat at a table-for-two around lunchtime at the Olive Garden in Columbus, Ohio, eying the bottle of house rosé which, unbeknownst to them, doubled as the portal key to Khrysandelt: The land where everything glitters slightly more than normal.  
Andrew Allingham
Fairfax, VA 

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.
Ali Kawashima
Greensboro, NC 

Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks. 
Patty Liverance
Grand Rapids, MI 

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